If You Love Something, Set It Free
by dave-d
Summary: What has Kaname in tears? Why does it feel as if her life has ended? Who's to blame?


The girl on the huge glass window was crying.

Kaname was hardly surprised, seeing that. How could she be? It was _her _reflection.

Unable to halt the flow of tears, she looked out past her translucent image. The sleek silvery Boeing 747-300, painted in the red and white markings of Qantas Airlines, slowly moved back from the terminal building, as the gantry retracted and a number of motorized luggage carts hurried out from underneath. Flight _QF60_, Tokyo to Sydney, was on its way to the runaway.

"It's my fault," she whispered. "It's _all_ my fault." She leaned her face against the cool glass, fogging the window on either side of her. "Me and my big mouth." It hadn't been her mouth that did her in, not ultimately. It had been her pride, and a sense of arrogance. Feeling entitled, she forced the issue. After recent events, she had been certain that she could predict the outcome. By making a stand, she should have been able to get what she wanted, once and for all. It had been the wrong way to think, even if she had gotten what she wanted.

Sunlight reflected off the polished aluminum hull of the aircraft. Kaname had to squeeze her eyes tight for a moment, until the momentary glare passed. Absentmindedly, she noted just how different this scene was than she might have once pictured. There was no Electronic Cloaking System in operation. The aircraft was a jumbo-liner, not a helicopter or a two-seat fixed wing VTOL jet. The passengers onboard would all be civilians, at least as far as she could tell. All except one. The only one that truly matter. The one who had been forced to choose between being a mercenary or a civilian.

It had been more than painful. It had been more than earth-shattering. It had been strange, watching Sgt. Sousuke Sagara boarding a commercial flight, instead of rushing aboard a military transport plane, or disappearing from sight in an unmarked white van. Yes, it had been far more than strange. It had been tragic, at least as far as she was concerned. How else could she view things, since this was Sousuke's last flight out?

"It should have been different." Kaname closed her eyes. Twin trails of water streaked the glass in front of her. Her throat began feeling hoarse. For a moment, she didn't know where she was, and couldn't care about where she might be an hour later, a day later, or even years later. "It was… it was an honest mistake…." No. Thinking something like that was a placebo. A way to make herself think she was less to blame than she was.

Sousuke had been through hell and back, rescuing her from Leonard Testarossa and Amalgam. She had hugged him fiercely, hearing about the surgery he had needed, the torture he had suffered, and the friends he had lost. Wisely, she hadn't probed too much about Nami, even though she was still curious just what type of relationship she might have had Sousuke, despite getting the impression from the dead girl's Whispered message that any romantic feelings had been one-sided. If only she had shown equal wisdom regarding other matters, in the weeks that followed their return to Japan.

The 747-300 was on the runway now. As Kaname watched, a number of control surfaces moved this way and that, as the seasoned pilot put his aircraft through a series of systems checks. If this were a movie or a romance novel, something would happen. She could run to the terminal, get past security, and broadcast a message to Sousuke. She could jump down onto the tarmac, run out onto the concrete, and throw herself on the ground, in front of the plane's wheels. Something. _Anything._

But, why think that now, just before the plane set off on its non-stop flight? All it would have taken was a few simple words, before Sousuke left his apartment, before he rode with her in the cab, or before he made his way onboard the jumbo jet. Pride. Her damned pride!

Once she had made her stand, she had been unwilling to back down. In her mind, it was Sousuke who should have backed down, if he truly loved her, and wanted what was best for her. How could she have thought that way, even for a minute?

"I've used up my share of miracles." Kaname sniffed and then wiped her nose. Standing up straight, she straightened her clothing. The Jindai officials had miraculously allowed her back into school. She was a Student Council officer and a Class Representative again. If only for that reason, she needed to behave better than this. "I probably don't _deserve_ any more miracles." There was no place for miracles, just as there was no place for hope. There would be plenty of time for sadness, regret, and self-recrimination. But, not hope.

For a relatively brief time, her life had indeed seemed miraculous. Sousuke had found her. The two of them had managed to escape, after a battle that had seen the ARX-8 defeat Varial, Sousuke kill Leonard, and the TDD-1 lay waste to a number of key Amalgam facilities. After a tearful reunion with her classmates, she had been shocked to hear that she would be welcomed back, in part due to a dramatic parting statement from a certain scar-faced boy. Even more surprising had been the invitation for Sousuke to return as well, under certain rather stringent conditions. Life had been filled with nonstop surprises and wonders, like something out of a fairy tale. Everything had seemed so perfect for a while.

"I… I wasn't _really _being selfish…." Kaname sighed. She walked over to another set of windows, where she could watch the jetliner take off. "There's only one Sousuke." That much was true. It was also the crux of the problem. In her mind, there had been one fact that mattered: there was only one Sousuke Sagara, but there were plenty of trained combat personnel who could help build up a depleted Mithril. She had hammered him relentlessly with that point, trying to make him see things her way. There had been one major obstacle, however. There was only one pilot who could operate the ARX-8, and that A.S. was the only one in Mithril with Lambda-Driver capabilities.

Unchecked, Amalgam would have gone on to adversely influence entire nations, changing world economies, alliances, and more. Countless lives would have been affected. The only force that had been able to counter their plans had been Mithril. Even though the enemy shadow organization lay in shambles for now, there was still a need for Mithril. There was no denying that truth. What would be better for the world, Black Technology in the hands of an altruistic and philanthropic group of mercenaries from different nations, or the same deadly secrets in the grasp of national leaders who cared more about power and their own re-elections? If she admitted that there was a need for Mithril, she would have to admit there was a need for it to be as strong as possible. With Lambda Driver technology in the hands of its opponents, it would have been fatally handicapped without something to counter it with.

"I pushed too hard. But… that's me…." Kaname tried to smile and failed. It had been wonderful for Sousuke to find out that Kurz, Melissa, and Tessa were still alive. She still hadn't told him about the role that Mr. Kalinin had played in things. He would find out in time. What's more, she couldn't be sure that he had been working for Amalgam, or might have been a double agent. Although he missed his comrades, Sousuke had sounded like he was ready to wash his hands clean of anything to do with fighting. Wanting to make the most of her good fortune, Kaname had made every effort to cement that way of thinking. "He knows how I am…."

But, when the Da Danaan had been back in dry dock, and secret efforts were in full swing, geared towards making Mithril a viable force again, Tessa had paid another visit to the school. This time, she wasn't on leave, and it wasn't a pleasant stay filled with adoring students, bedtime hijinks, and a trip to the hot springs. It had been a recruiting mission. The other Whispered girl had been apologetic, well aware of how things might affect Kaname. But, there were things that she had needed to put above friendship. The life of a submarine commander was a difficult one indeed.

That visit had planted the seed. To their credit, neither Kurz nor Melissa tried to intrude on their friend's life; but, other members were not so charitable. Lt. Clouzot had phoned, wanting to know an answer, one way or another. He had planning to do, and the SRT to rebuild. A surviving member of the Council had sent a personal request by secret courier. There had even been a message from a high-ranking American official that knew of Mithril's existence, and had read reports regarding Sousuke's actions. She had hoped that he would choose her, not them.

"He told me he loved me…." Kaname wiped at her eyes. "He knew that I loved him…." She had been hurt when he decided to resume his piloting duties, even though he had gotten Tessa and the others to agree to his remaining in school whenever possible. She had been doubting his sincerity, wanting to be able to view things in black-and-white, not in confusing Technicolor. Battles… power struggles… covert missions… fights to the death… she had been through more than enough of them for a dozen lifetimes. Why should everyone else's problems be made hers, too? Why couldn't he let go? Did he like killing so much? Once a soldier, always a soldier? "I guess… I guess that love wasn't enough…." There was a bitter taste in her mouth.

Angry. Frustrated. Sad. Disappointed. Under constant assault from more emotions than she could name, Kaname had made the biggest mistake of her life. At least, that's the way it seemed now. Furious that Sousuke wouldn't take the one step that might ensure their happiness, she had taken the offensive, breaking out the ultimate weapon in her arsenal. She should have known better. Sousuke Sagara, call sign is Uruz-7 and ID number B-3128, had faced much greater threats in his life.

At age 2 or 3, he was saved as a child from a crashed jetliner in the North Pacific by Andrei Kalinin, a Spetznaz officer at the time. The Russian submariner's efforts to locate Sousuke's living relatives failed, as there were no records of any passenger named 'Sagara'. That name had been on his clothing, and could have been his mother's maiden name. Or, the clothing could have been borrowed or a hand-me-down. At times in his life, he would also use the names Sousky Seagal and Isegar Kashim

After the rescue, Sousuke had been taken into the Soviet state child care system as an orphan. From there, he was placed into a KGB program for child soldiers. Trained as an assassin, at age 8, Sousuke was deployed into Helmajistan, sent with instructions to kill General Majhid. Failing, he was adopted by the man he had been sent to remove, becoming part of the resistance movement that fought against the invading Soviets. That's were he had honed his skills with small arms and basic survival techniques.

Raised as a guerrilla fighter, he became a skilled A.S. pilot and soldier. At some point early in the war, he had been captured, and was reunited with Kalinin. Rather than re-indoctrinating Sousuke, Kalinin had eventually decided to desert the Russian army. He trained the young man in Spetznaz techniques, and taught him to speak Russian and Japanese.

The two escaped from Helmajistan, acting as mercenary soldiers in a number of countries. Separated from the older soldier in Cambodia, Sousuke served in numerous engagements in the Middle East, building an impressive reputation as a soldier, and increasing his formidable fighting ability. Scouted by Mithril personnel, he was given a chance to join that organization. Surprisingly, he showed unspectacular skills while at a training camp, but won Melissa Mao's respect by salvaging a mission with a damaged RK-92 Savage. He joined Mithril, and was placed in the elite SRT unit, reuniting yet again with Kalinin, who would serve as his commanding officer.

Kaname knew first hand, a lot of what had happened to Sousuke after he had become part of Mithril. It seemed like yesterday, the day that he had showed up at school, pulled aside by Eri Kagurazaka while she and Kyouko watched. She had thought he was some kind of military otaku freak, seeing what she and the teacher had mistakenly thought was a toy gun. She had been right, after a fashion! He had been just like the proverbial fish out of water, causing her more trouble than he had protected her from. Tackling teachers. Thinking plaster sculptures were attackers. Rushing into the girl's locker room. Getting caught holding her pilfered panties.

"I didn't know what suffering was yet," Kaname muttered. That kind of misadventure had become all too common place, and had left her wondering why her life had become such a mess. She hadn't seen anything yet. Gauron. Takuma and Seina. A Chinese assassin. Leonard. Arastols. Yes, she had suffered a great deal. Nothing had made sense, after she found out that she was Whispered. But, she had conveniently ignored the fact that Sousuke had suffered so much more. Focused on her own troubles, she wrongly concluded that it would be simpler just making a clean break, living without him altogether, instead of wondering when he would have to leave, or whether or not he might not make it back alive. She had issued an ultimatum.

'_Me or Mithril.'_

"I could have taken it back." Kaname watched as the aircraft gradually built up speed. When the wheels left the ground, she felt as if her whole life was departing with it. The plane had actually taken off. Sousuke was actually leaving her. It didn't have to be that way. She could have rescinded her ultimatum. She could have been stronger, helping him make his decision over time, seeing what choices might be best for him, if not the two of them. "I wish I could have my old life back." If not the one before Sousuke, then the one where they were both finding out just how much they meant to one another.

She turned and looked far, taking in the view offered by the most distant wall of windows. It was such a beautiful day, weather-wise. The sun was shining. A gentle breeze tugged at a windsock on the control tower. None of that really registered. The storm in her heart threatened to darken everything she set her gaze on. She had built a house of cards with her life But, Sousuke had been the table she had built it on. She had tried to be strong, after her mother's death. She had reached a low point during Junior High, thinking about taking her own life. She held on. She had done her best to make on her own, after Ayame and her father had gone back overseas. She had made friends and admirers in high school. But, through that all, she had never allowed anyone to truly touch her heart. Not until Sousuke.

"It had to be someone like_ him_," Kaname murmured. Sousuke was different, all right. Different and then some! But, he had done something that no one else had ever done. She had loved her mother dearly, but her mother had left, by no choice of her own. Her father and sister were special to her, too. But, even though she new the reason for their living in America, and had agreed with the idea of going to school in her native land, she still almost felt as if she had been abandoned. Sousuke had gone away on many missions, but he had always come back. Back to her. Back to Kaname Chidori. At first, because it was his mission. And later, because it was what he wanted most. "I knew a day like this could come… I just thought it never _would_…." And she had made it happen.

Was it better, precipitating this crisis now, before she had given her entire body, soul, and life to him? Wouldn't it have hurt so much more, had he left some time in the future, after she had made choices about college, jobs, and more, all based on his being in her life? Could this actually be the best thing for her, despite the way that she felt now? What would be wrong with a normal life? A normal boyfriend? A chance to go to finish high school and then move on to college, without guns, grenades, and exploding shoe lockers?

"I still have my friends." Kaname began walking again. Wiping her eyes, she decided to get something to drink at the airport coffee shop. Sitting down in a corner booth, she looked down at her tea. She pictured Sousuke's face there. Taking a spoon out of the folded napkin on the table, she placed it in the drink and stirred, as if that could chase the face away. Closing her eyes, she tried to picture each of her friends. They had been so happy to see her again. She had been so afraid that they would hate her and reject her. Tears fell and caused small ripples in her drink. "They're so wonderful."

Her friends. They were still her friends, even after Leonard had attacked Tokyo. Even after what had happened to Kyouko. It had been one of the most wonderful moments in her life, returning to see that her pig-tailed friend was OK. But, her classmates were not only her friends; they were Sousuke's friends, too. How was she going to explain this to _them?_ What would they think about her, if she tried to explain her motives? Especially after Sousuke had been the one who risked everything to bring her back to them. She felt so very small now, here, alone. How would she feel when their eyes were all on her, after they heard what she had to say? Idol. An idol. They'd probably see her as an idol again. Popular, because she was pretty and kawaii. But pretty much cardboard in every other way. Maybe they'd be right.

As Kaname sat there, trying to gather up the will to move on, she was accosted by a number of men, each looking to pick her up. She waved them all away, too deep in sorrow to do so in her normal angry manner. Did they simply want a pretty young thing? She looked at her own reflection this time. How pretty could she be, after all that crying? No. She was still beautiful. She still had the body of a more mature woman. And, she was vulnerable. That last realization had her clenching her hands under the table. She could feel the rage growing, thinking how men like that could sense a girl's weakness and want to exploit it. That rage turned to fear, when she thought once more just how vulnerable she was.

It wasn't just her. It wasn't just the vulnerability of a teenage girl in a world with lustful men and sexual predators. It was the increased vulnerability of everyone around her, especially those in close contact with her, the people she cared about the most. They would all be at risk right? With a Whispered at their school, how could her classmates ever be completely safe? She tried to joke with herself, thinking that if they had survived Sousuke, they could survive anything. She just shook her head. That didn't seem very funny, now. It had been a very difficult decision, coming back to the city she loved. It had given her restless nights, during her escape. Leonard Testarossa had focused on her, because of the feelings he had developed. A brilliant and handsome man, he had been terribly lonely, looking for someone like him. Even though he was gone, and no one existed who would have a similar personal agenda, who could say that someone else wouldn't have her seen face in a dossier, or put a red circle around her name? What might happen to the newly rebuilt Jindai high school, should a new group of power hungry men decide to add her to their collection?

"I… I chose to come back there…." Kaname felt the tears welling up again. "I chose to do that… because Sousuke would be there with me…." No matter how bad things might get, there was always a happy resolution, with him there? Right? A hi-jacked plane. A terrorist take-over of a cruise ship. So many minor vignettes. No matter how bad or crazy things had ever gotten, everything had always turned out OK in the end. Relatively speaking. "That big idiot…." Not only would he have been with her, serving as her anchor in rough seas, _she_ would have been there for _him_. She would have been a shining beacon, helping him see through the fog. Who had clued him into using the Lambda Driver for the first time? _Her!_ Who had helped him save Da Dannaan from Gauron? _Her! _Who had helped him find the way to defeat Behemoth? _Her! _Who had made her way to Hong Kong, to break him out of his funk, so he could save the day again? _Her! _"Moron. Stupid moron. Stupid idiot moron." As special as each of them might be on their own, they were even more special together.

Eventually, she found herself outside, walking along the streets. She would take a cab eventually, but for now, more than anything else, she needed to move. It wasn't just her usual restlessness, or her incessant need for physical activity. When she stepped out away from the building, things hadn't seemed real. It was as if her mind was rejecting the entire notion of her new reality. The further she walked, the faster she moved, the more her shoes slapped against the sidewalk, the better things would come into focus again. Picking up speed, to the point where she was practically jogging, she hoped to be able to clear her mind. No such luck.

Looking at the various shops and businesses she passed, Kaname wondered just what kind of lives the shop owners lived, and how life treated their employees and customers. She imagined what her own world might be like, if she were any one of them, any one of them, anyone but Kaname Chidori, the girl with the albatross around her neck. The further she walked down those streets and avenues, the better she felt about her choice of direction. It would have hurt too much, walking down any of the streets she had walked with Sousuke. But, she was only putting things off. There would be a great deal of heartache to deal with, the next time that she passed his old apartment building. There would be so much sorrow to endure, when she saw his shoe locker, and the empty desk in class.

Time passed. Walking by a stretch of restaurants and bakeries, she dodged windblown papers and managed to keep from getting splashed by water kicked up by cars plowing though puddles from last evening's rainstorm. Her stomach grumbled. "I _am_ kind of hungry…." She caught a tantalizing whiff of something delicious. So what if she hadn't eaten anything substantial for lunch? She deserved a treat. Maybe, in some small way and for one brief instant, it would make her feel better. Then, she realized something. "Of course… it's just my luck…." She didn't have her pocketbook with her. She must have left it at the coffee shop.

Kaname hoped that no one had taken the purse. The last thing she needed in her life was to have to cancel credit cards and have all sorts of ID cards redone. Wanting to get back as quickly as she could, she took a taxi. Looking out the window of the car, she sighed. So many people looked like Sousuke when they passed from view. Some were about his height. Some had hair somewhat like his. Some wore clothing similar to his. That was something else she would have to deal with, no doubt. When there were footsteps approaching her apartment door… when someone would cause a commotion in the hallway outside of homeroom… when there was someone walking with a bag on his shoulder and the sun at his back, his face too hard to make out… her breath would catch in her throat, and she would wonder if it might be him.

How long would it take, until Sgt. Sousuke Sagara was nothing more than a poignant memory, something she could look back on and smile? Her heart claimed that would never happen, but her mind knew better. It was just a matter of time. The days ahead would be hard, but she would get by. RightShe hoped so. Catching sight of a man and woman walking together on the side of the street, hand in hand and smiling, she had to turn her head. Kaname Chidori was not the kind of person to wish sadness on anyone. But, for a while, seeing a happy couple like that was going to hurt.

For a moment, she wondered if a change of scenery might be good for her, one a great deal more drastic than a walk down a different set of streets. He father and sister had been beside themselves, when they hadn't heard from her during her voluntary abduction. Somehow, she had managed to keep from telling them everything. Should she go and live with them again? Could she bring herself to put Ayame at risk? As it was, she was surprised that some black-hearted villain hadn't kidnapped her sister, using the younger girl as a bargaining chip with her. No. She couldn't do that. Not unless someone could offer her a great deal of reassurance.

"Thank you." Kaname paid the cab driver and headed back inside Narita International Airport. Earlier in the day, she had gotten out of a similar car, after insisting that she see Sousuke off. He had been very cold towards her that morning, and she knew the reason why. This had injured him as much as it did her, if not more.

What would he do now? Would he hate her? Would he regret the time that they had spent together? Would he just move on to the next mission, lapsing back into the boy he once was? She hoped not. He had changed so much, after spending time with her. She could feel good about _that. _Hopefully he would take something away with him, and build on it.

"But… not with _her_…." Kaname almost bumped into an elderly woman, picturing Tessa in her mind. While Tessa was her friend, and had never truly been a rival for Sousuke's affection, she still didn't want to think of the other girl 'winning,' not when it came to a certain clueless soldier. Maybe that was unfair. Tessa was lonely too. Not only that, she had to carry tremendous weight on her shoulders. Yes indeed, it couldn't be easy being a submarine commander, especially after everything that had happened to Mithril.

She had to stop walking again, feeling short of breath. Her heart was racing. She had no hold on Sousuke, and had no right to wish away any happiness he might find. If anyone deserved something good, it was _him, _after all he had suffered through in his life, and after all of the heroic acts he had performed for people who would never know his name. Just the same, she didn't want to picture him finding solace in Tessa's arms. In _any _woman's arms!

As luck would have it, the woman behind the cashier had the pocket book. One of the waitresses had found it, while cleaning the table. Thankful, Kaname offered the serving girl a small tip in thanks, but the young woman simply smiled and shook her head. That had Kaname feeling good. It was nice, seeing people do the right thing. It was especially comforting after she had spent so many months as a virtual prisoner, in the company of men and women who thought only of themselves.

"I did what I had to…." Kaname's smile faded. She swallowed hard, thinking back to the days she had spent in the fancy mansion, the 'guest' of Mr. Silver and his cronies. Fortunately, Leonard hadn't tried to force himself on her. But, her body and heart were not everything he had been after. Tessa's brother, and his associates, had wanted access to the Black Technology squirreled away inside her head. "I… I was afraid…." As long as she had been cooperative, she had been allowed to remain a somewhat pampered prisoner. Had she refused anything they asked, she might have been treated like the other Whispered women she had seen in the medical laboratory.

Could _that_ be part of the reason that Sousuke accepted her ultimatum and chose to leave? Had he been upset to learn that she had given secrets to the other side? Might he have expected her to fight every step of the way, no matter what the hardships, the way that he had done, on his way to free her? Was she ultimately a traitor in his mind? He hadn't seemed angry, when she admitted that truth. Instead, he had asked her countless questions, wanting to know just what the remnants of Amalgam might know that he did not. When she had finished, he had held her tightly to him. She would do anything, if she could feel those arms around her again.

This wasn't the first time she wanted to make some kind of bargain with Fate. She had promised any number of things, back when she was dealing with her mother's illness, and when she had been devastated, dealing with her subsequent death. She had kept her word as best she could, but her mother still died. She had made promise after promise, but her mother remained dead. Promises. Promises promises promises. She had made a large number of promises, when she learned that Sousuke was still alive, and was looking for her. That one time, Fate had actuality delivered on its part of the deal. But, she had not kept up her end of things, after she found herself back in Tokyo. Maybe if she had treated Sousuke the way that she swore she would, things would never have reached this point. All or nothing. She wanted to hold him steadfast to her, or not at all. She should have remembered the words of an anonymous poem she had once read:

'_If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.'_

Kaname found herself standing at the periphery of the concourse, once again looking out through a huge expanse of glass. It looked like the wind was kicking up outside. If the darkness on the horizon meant what she thought it did, a storm would be blowing in. Great. Just great. She didn't have enough money for another cab ride. No doubt she would get drenched walking home from the train.

What did sayings mean, any way? More often than not, they were crutches for people who couldn't think for themselves, right? No. That wasn't true. A lot of sayings, slogans, and stories were based on simple truths, things that someone else may have learned the hard way. One particular verse came to mind, thanks to her English teacher. For some reason, he had chosen one of the works of Alfred Tennyson for everyone to work through. 'In Memoriam' had been written to commemorate a friend, fellow poet, and classmate of his, who had been engaged to his sister, but tragically died from a cerebral hemorrhage. That poem was regarded as one of the greatest works of the British 19th century, and had originally been titled 'The Way of the Soul'. There was no way that she could remember the whole thing. It had more than one hundred and thirty sections. One part would do. While the words actually refer to the death of a beloved friend, they could just as easily be used to offer comfort after the end of a relationship:

_' Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.'_

"I have to take the bad with the good, right?" Her time with Sousuke had been a case study in duality. Good and bad. Right and Wrong. "Yin and yang." Had she not been in danger, he would never have been given the mission of guarding her, and she never could have fallen in love with him. Had Arbalest never been launched that day in Khanka, they would have been captured, along with Kurz. The two soldiers would have been killed, and she would have been taken back for scientific examination. But, because Sousuke was able to synchronize with the A.I., he became the only SRT pilot capable of using it. History repeated itself with the ARX-8, the only machine at Mithril's disposal that had the ability to defeat the very A.S. that had destroyed Arbalest. After Leonard had won that first confrontation, she had agreed to leave with him, to save the people that mattered most to her. More good and bad.

Righteous anger flared up for a moment. That's right! Her sacrifice had saved Tokyo from an even worse catastrophe. Didn't _that _count for anything? Yes. Yes, it did. But, Destiny didn't seem to care. Leonard had forced her to make that sacrifice. That, and the fact that his actions had hurt her friends, made certain that she could never have felt the way about him that he might have wanted her to. What had Tessa's brother seen in her? He hadn't even met her before, that one night, but swept her into a kiss. He had shown up in her room, guarded by those damn mini-arm slaves of his, trying to convince her to run away with him, and trying to get her to hate Sousuke in the process. The next time he came for her, her world turned inside out. Leonard had eventually paid for his acts. Who would pay this time? Her? Sousuke?

"I'm a sacrifice, again." Kaname sighed. She watched the clouds in the distance, seeing what she though might be flashes of lightning. It looked as if this was going to be a rather big storm. "But, Sousuke made me that _this_ time." Her thoughts had changed direction again, like a flock of birds. She wasn't being entirely fair, but she didn't care. She had a right to be angry with him. It didn't matter that he had made the noble choice. While her head could accept the fact that the free world would be a safer place with him at the controls of the ARX-whatever, her heart could care less. He had left. Ultimatum or no ultimatum, he had been the one who left. Not her. Why couldn't _he_ be the one to sacrifice this time? She had given up a lot, leaving voluntarily with Leonard so that Sousuke could live!

Glancing off across the concourse, she saw a number of lighted posters. They were all done in happy festive colors. Each showed a man and a woman, smiling, enjoying some wonderful tourist spot. She put her hand to her chest, depression threatening to drown her anger again. There would never be any chance to go away on a romantic vacation with Sousuke. It just wasn't fair. The two of them had survived so many difficult times. Why couldn't life allow them to enjoy one another? Was that too much to ask?

"He probably would have messed things up, anyway." Kaname knew that the pain wouldn't lesson, saying that. Looking at one large ad, she zeroed in on the catch phrase, a hoaky blurb about an exciting island paradise. "Again." Sousuke had gotten her hopes sky high, once. He had asked her to an island. She had been so starry-eyed that she walked through the pain-dispensing security gate without caring. Little did she know that he had meant Merida Island, or that they would skydive from a plane and get onboard a submarine. That memory dredged up images of Gauron. She was in no mood to dwell on that cockroach masquerading as a man. She corrected herself. Late cockroach. Thinking her dead at the terrorist's instruction, Sousuke had put an end to him once and for all, barely escaping one final trap.

She remembered something else from that time aboard Da Danaan. Not Tessa stumbling and falling in the corridor. Not Kurz threatening to raffle off the clumsy Captain's panties at the celebration. Not the way she felt, when she worried that Sousuke might win a kiss from the other girl. Not the time spent with Mao and Tessa in the large bath tub. It was Sousuke. He had been upset, after being unable to make the Lambda Driver work again. Mao had been injured. She remembered seeing her roll past on a stretcher. Sitting next to a disconsolate Sousuke, she had been hurt to the quick when he said that nothing had gone right after meeting her. She had left stricken, tears streaming down from her eyes. But, he had apologized. He had made things better. Why hadn't she done the same this time?

Spying another poster, she closed her eyes and hung her head. The ad showed a woman dressed in a white bikini, much like the one she had worn when the Jindai students had gone to the beach. Yet another example of duality. His obliviousness to her swimwear and figure had left her disappointed, and his nonsense with the watermelon and a shotgun had been the last straw. After that, she hadn't wanted to be anywhere near him. But, when he had come to rescue her from a nonexistent danger, and had leapt from the cliff with her in his arms, her heart had flip-flopped. It had been a touching moment, floating down on that balloon. There had been no other place on earth that she would rather be at that instant.

It would be hard to count the number of times that Sousuke had risked his own life to save her. Not only that, but he had risked his career at one point, threatening to leave Mithril if they didn't let him come back to Tokyo. He had come dangerously close to black-mailing General Amitt, the head of Mithril's Intelligence Division, a man that could even get the stolid Mardukas to break a sweat. Sousuke had told everyone in that meeting that he would work for half his usual pay, so that he could return to school. Thinking of all that, Kaname felt even lower than before. "How could I _do_ that to him?" Her voice sounded strangled, as if someone had his or her hands tight around her throat. She shivered, and felt a cold feeling run along her spine. She had been so certain that she was right, standing up for herself the way she had. But, she never stopped to think that she might be taking something away from someone else who stood up for her. No. That's why the truth stung so much. She _had _realized all that. She still chose to do what she did. "Maybe… maybe it's better that he goes somewhere else."

Sousuke Sagara had been the best part of her life, and she had let him walk away. No, she had forced him to walk away. And, not only away from her, but also from the school that had come to mean something to him. That wasn't right. He didn't deserve that. If he wasn't going to fight her decision for himself, she should fight it for him. Yes. She should. And she thought that she knew how.

"It's my turn. He keeps coming back for me. I'll go bring him back." It would be like Hong Kong, again. But, this time she would go alone, without Wraith's help. Feeling a need to act, and having a plan of action, Kaname began to feel hopeful. Maybe her mistake was correctable. Maybe Sousuke would forgive her. Maybe this would all work out for the better.

She would owe her father an explanation. That might mean she would have to tell him and Ayame more about her life than she already had. But, if that was the price she had to pay, she would pay it gladly. The credit card bill would certainly catch his eyes. Round trip tickets to Sydney… bought the day of the flight… would certainly cost a great deal. That is, if she could even get on the next flight out. She would also need a place to stay, food, toiletries, all sorts of things. That would all be the easy part. Finding Sousuke might be difficult. "It would be easy," Kaname said, feeling better now that she had a plan to throw herself into. "If he still blew things up as often as he once did." She smiled, and wiped away a few fresh tears. She would find him. She had to. If only to say she was sorry.

Walking briskly again, she set off in search of the Quantas counter. If that didn't work, she knew that Japan Airlines had flights to Australia, too. She hurried through the airport, fighting the urge to hurdle anything that blocked her path. With every turn she took, she saw something that reminded her of Sousuke. A kimono shop. An ad for a cruise ship. A poster showing a girl riding on the back of a boy's bicycle. A sale on Lapis Lazuli at the airport jeweler. A little girl hugging a Bonta-kun doll. A teenage boy wearing a rugby-style shirt. A young man in camouflage colors, carrying a black bag over one shoulder. He looked like Sousuke.

Time seemed to slow. The boy looked so very much like Sousuke. But, it wasn't just the clothing or the bag. It was the hair. The face. That x-shaped scar. Oh. That makes sense. That's why the boy looked so much like Sousuke. It's because it _was_ Sousuke. At first, Kaname couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"S-… S-… Soususke?" Kaname stood very still, her eyes wide, oblivious to everything around her except for the young soldier that she had been certain was gone from her life. "Why…."

"It appears that I missed my flight," Sousuke answered. Eyes darting to each side out of habit, he made certain that they were not being kept under any kind of worrisome surveillance. Satisfied, he kept his eyes on Kaname's face. He didn't move, and made no effort to explain himself.

"Missed your flight?" Kaname blinked rapidly. That didn't make any sense. She had watched blurry-eyed, as Sousuke had walked onto the jet aircraft without turning to look back once. "I saw you get on…." She took a few steps towards him, and then stopped.

"Affirmative," Sousuke replied. "However, it would appear that you did not see me get off." He was watching everything about her, with those keen eyes of his. Her posture. The look in her eyes. Every rise and fall of her chest.

"I watched the plane take off." Kaname's eyes narrowed. Old habits died hard, especially around Sousuke. "You didn't do something stupid , _did _you?" Her lips pressed together tightly. "If you opened one of the side doors and jumped out… everyone could be at risk…." She took another step, this time with her hands twitching.

"Kaname?" Sousuke sounded as if she had asked him whether or not he had a third eye, or ate children for breakfast. Shouldn't she trust his judgment a bit more by now? "I would never do something like that." At least, not from a commercial airliner.

"Glad to hear it." Kaname let out a long breath. She rubbed her temple areas with both hands. Relieved, she studied Sousuke's face again, the growing hope inside her chest calling out for attention. She was cautiously optimistic, seeing that not too long ago, she had looked at him even more intently, taking in the details one last time. Or so she had thought. "You're getting better…." That last was said as a whisper to herself.

"Actually, I exited from what engineers call the main electrical compartment," Sousuke said amiably, as if he were discussing the weather or the latest issue of Soldier of Fortune. "One can gain entrance to that small space through a hatch in the floor of the business class cabin, and can leave through a door behind the nose wheel." He brushed at his clothing. Now that Kaname looked closer, it looked dirty and tattered. "Usually before the aircraft begins moving." He nodded his head. He had indeed grown wiser. It was best to assuage any concerns that Kaname might have. "There was no danger to the passengers who remained onboard."

"I see." Kaname closed her eyes. For some reason, her previous emotions had vanished, leaving her a blank sheet, at least for now. "No danger." She clenched and unclenched her hands. "Good." She was silent for a few moments after that. "Baka!" She opened her eyes, looking like an angry avenging spirit. Travelers heading for their respective gates gave the two teenagers a very wide berth.

"You are unhappy to see that I remained?" Sousuke thought he knew better. Still, he wasn't sure. It never paid to take anything about Kaname for granted. "That can be easily remedied. There is another flight to Sydney tonight." Standing the way he did, he could have been carved from stone. Unlike Kaname, his face did not give any clue to what he might be thinking.

"No. Moron." Kaname felt the urge to stomp her foot. But, her anger gave way to mixed feelings. Fear. Relief. Curiosity. Uncertainty. Why did he stay? Was it because of his feelings for her? Might he have changed his mind, giving in to her demands? Should she even be thinking about things in that manner? Or, might he have been ordered to remain? Could something have come up that required his presence in Tokyo. "Sousuke. I'm not mad." She took another step towards him. She had to be honest. This was no time to get tangled up in her pride again. She had prayed for one last chance. This was it. "How could I be, you big stupid head? I've been crying most of the time. I thought you were gone from my life."

"People can be sad, even when they think something is for the better." Sousuke was not a gargoyle perched on some old European cathedral. His face showed a trace of emotion for a moment, before going blank again. "You said I had one chance. When I told you that I could not do as you asked, you said the choice was final."

"I know." Kaname didn't know what she should do. Should she run and throw herself into his arms, sobbing, begging him to return? Should she ignore the heartache she had just put herself through, sticking to her original convictions? "I know, Sousuke." She looked over at him, hoping that he would give her some sign to base her decision on. He did not. Then again, why should he. She had been the one who had brought things to this point. "Why did you come back… if you thought the choice was final…." His answer would be everything. It was the linchpin her whole existence depended on.

"I was thinking as the aircraft taxied for take-off," Sousuke replied. "Even though my thoughts were still jumbled, I realized something very important. Something I should have told you when you ordered me to go."

"Sousuke?" Kaname's eyes began to fill with tears. In much the same way, her heart began to fill with emotions. If he confessed his love for her again, there was no way that she could ever let him walk away.

"You do not outrank me," Sousuke said. "You are not my commanding officer." He stood a bit stiffer, moving his legs apart and placing his hands behind his back. "You have no authority over me." It was hard to tell if he was being serious or not.

"I love you too, S-…." Kaname went ramrod stiff, after staring to speak directly from her heart. Her eyes went wide, and then narrowed to slits. One eyebrow twitched. A vein at the corner of her forehead pulsated. "What… did… you… say…." Once again, Sousuke had her on an emotional teeter-totter.

"I'm a Specialist, Kaname." The initial part of his response did not make things any better. "As you should know by now, there is practically nothing that I cannot do." His features softened, something that had Kaname's lips parting. "But… I found… it was impossible for me to leave you."

"Oh. I see. Was _that_ it?" Kaname sounded very nonchalant, almost clinical. "Impossible. OK. Understood." Without warning, she ran and flung herself against him, almost knocking him over. She pressed up tightly against him, arms held tightly at her sides.

"Kaname." Sousuke was taken aback. Not just by her sudden movement, but also by the surge of emotion within him. Tentatively, he placed his arms around her. He took a deep breath, drinking in the smell of her.

"Baka," Kaname said softly. She slid her hands upward, and clutched at the fabric of Sousuke's shirt. "Baka… baka… baka…." She just stood there, unaware of anything but her own heartbeat. Hers, and Sousuke's. She didn't cry. She didn't grab him fiercely. She didn't touch her lips to his.

Sousuke rested his chin on top of Kaname's head. He brought one hand up and caressed her hair in a way that she had grown fond of. It didn't matter that growing numbers of people were staring at the two of them.

They stood like that for a while. Sousuke loosened his hold somewhat, when Kaname took a deep breath and stepped back. She looked up into his eyes, her face looking very stern. "I know it was stupid of me to give you an ultimatum before, Sousuke." She looked down a moment, and then met his gaze again. "But… I had my reasons… you know that…."

"Affirmative," Sousuke said. "You made those reasons very clear, Kaname."

"As foolish as I might have been… I have to do it again…." She stood straighter, and tried to smooth out part of her clothing. "I have a new ultimatum. This time, there can be no going back on it." She pushed the hair away from her face.

"Kaname?" Sousuke looked confused for a moment, as if he wondered how they could be right back at a precipice they had both barely kept from walking off of.

"Kiss me, mister." Her eyes suddenly looked very vulnerable. "Kiss me, or die." She held her arms out.

"Ahhh." Sousuke relaxed a slight bit. "OK," he said quietly. "Now?" He kept a grin off of his face. After all that he had been though, Kaname shouldn't get the last word.

Kaname wrapped her arms roundhouse neck and pulled him into a lasting kiss.

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**END**


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